I start work in just a few days. It feels good. I have accomplished my dreams, now if I can just keep those dream a reality...
I
have had my niece and nephew for the past week and a half. It has been
a whirlwind. Board games, video games, put put, sight seeing, riding
the horses, catching coons in the live trap and setting them free a few
miles away... A never ending parade of entertainment. It is
exhausting, but I am playing catchup for having been away for so long. I
had forgotten just how precocious family really is. I spent the last 3
years focused on one man and neglected my obligations to family. Being
home these last few months has reminded me that there is more to life.
We all pay no attention to the giant pink elephant hiding in the
corner, but at the same time, remember that it is there. My dad's
condition could change any moment, but yet we avoid talking about it.
Cancer sucks. That simple, it just sucks. Having his grand kids around
is good for him. My Grandfather died before I was born and I never got
the chance to make memories with him like my niece and nephew are
getting to do with theirs.
My
daughter would be 21 this year. Her birthday is around the corner. It
is a relief as well as a sorrow knowing that this year I will have the
time to go see her. I always look forward to the trip, but my heart
hurts all the same. It has been almost 5 years since I made the trip to
the cemetery where she is buried. It is hard to believe that she would
be an adult. I still feel like a child in many ways. I often wonder
at how different my life would have been had she not died. I often
wonder who she would have turned out to be. I find myself wanting more
and more to have children, but I can not. I think more and more about
adopting. I am getting older, the chances of me finding someone to
spend the rest of my life with is getting slim. It is time I focused on
me and what I want for my future. I just have to figure out what my
options are, and what I am willing to sacrifice.
I have neglected my post as of late, I promise to try to write every day.
