We
had been talking for a few days. Just messages back and forth on FL.
Nothing too serious, but it had potential. That afternoon, I went and
had my roots colored, carefully picked out my makeup, and outfit. It
had been so long since I had been on any kind of date. I was excited,
normal I guess for a first date. He was going to meet me at my
playground, the dance hall. That is where I am comfortable and that is
where I have friends to look out for me. That is where I am at my
best. He is a hedonist, something new for me. He got there late in the
evening, and we spent the rest of it talking, on occasion I would go
dance. My little was all over the place. I had so much energy that I
had to burn if off. He is not a big dancer, and I felt guilty leaving
him at the table in the middle of this crowd with out anyone to talk
to. It was very rude and bad form on my part. I knew that I needed a
buffer between us or I would slip into super sub and get myself into
trouble. And having a moment to get away and dance would work just
fine.
We
talked and laughed and even danced a dance. At the end of the
evening, he walked me to my car. This is where I feared I would loose
my backbone. And I did. I told him that I would gladly give him a
"first date" kiss, and allowed him to take a "3rd date" kiss instead. I
even agreed to let him give me 3 spanks, what was I thinking. I even
called him Sir. What was I thinking.... That is just it, i had
dropped into sub mode once we got away from the crowd. We made plans to
have dinner Sunday evening.
As
of late, and having been under so much pressure and stress, my need to
play and be submissive is overwhelmingly strong. It would not take much
for me to make a big mistake or not follow my gut instincts and
judgement. I chickened out, and canceled the date. I couldn't trust
myself not to allow him to go too far. I don't regret canceling the
date. I do, however, regret missing out on the prospect of a wonderful
time with someone that could very well be honest and true.
I
hate what my past relationship has done to me. I hate the fact that
hollow managed to taint a part of me that was refreshing and simple. I
hate that hollow was able to ruin me, even though he did not damage my
heart. I hate that after 6 months, I am still damaged and needing to
be played, but do not have the confidence in myself to let it happen. I
currently hate being me.
