2014

     I can not complain about 2014.  It had it's ups and downs.  It's highlights, and low-lights.   I met some amazing people, got a wonderful job doing what I love, and grew closer to my family and friends.   The positives outweigh the negatives.  However, I do so hope that 2015 sees me more settled and sure in my life.     

     As for ringing in this new year,  I almost didn't.  I had made plans to try and make it to Dallas and see my soul sister, but family issues being what they are, I had decided to stay home.  My parents had a different thought process and wanted me to go to Houston.   Primarily, they wanted me to spy on my aunt. She had been harping me about coming to see her as well.  My parents also thought it would be good for me to see my besties.  Mom and Dad worry about my bouts of melancholy and encouraged me to go to our traditional NYE party.   I went with the expectation of just being gone for the night and coming home in the morning.

     As always going to Houston is bitter sweet.  We drank cheep bubbly wine in the form of mimosas, took shots of whipped vodka and Grand Mariner, then at midnight toasted in the new year with pink champagne. Through my drunk mutterings I somehow managed to remember to keep it vanilla around all my besties children.  As much as I love my BFF's and needed some time with them, I know that I was missing something vital to my sanity.    Knowing I was just a few minutes away from the EROS NYE get together ate a whole in my heart and left a growing void.

      My besties know about my life.  Nothing is a secret between us.  Grin.  They are an awesome group of people and love me with or without bruises.  I try to keep references to my non-vanilla life to a minimum because it is not their thing.  (I hate when people force/dominate conversations about their hobbies or interests.) Besides, no mater how much I talk about it they can not fill that void.  They can not truly understand the need and hunger I have.   So I take advantage of my vanilla time with my vanilla friends and have vanilla conversations to the best of my ability.  

      I ended up staying another night to take care of my aunt and make sure she started off the year with a full freezer.  As I sat on her couch chatting with her,  my sober mind wandered to another place and time.  A time before I met hollow and other one.  A time when I called my aunt's house home.  A time when I was new to the idea of BDSM and my daydreams were full of wonder, trepidation, and expectation.  A time when kink could still shock and amaze me.
    I had a hard time falling asleep that night and it had nothing to do with the uncomfortable mattress.  I miss the community.  I miss having people around that know where I am coming from.  I miss not having to monitor my conversations.  I miss having boundaries and formality along with the events and meet-ups.  I miss having a Dom I can turn to when I am uneasy or intimidated. 

 I miss my other life.