My dad is not doing well. Been spending as much
time with him as possible. Trying to keep him busy and not focused on
the fact that he will be leaving this world. He is healthy and
energetic but has this half full kind of pessimistic attitude. Doc gave
him 2 yrs tops to live his life to the best he can, but he acts as if
he only has 2 weeks. It will be a full time job keeping him "living"
instead of "dying" before he is called home to his Lord. Then there is the reality
of how I am handling it when not at home. I cry and sleep, then cry some
more. The reality of loosing my dad is taking it's tole on me. I am
strong in front of him, but a puddle of tears when not. Therefore, I
have set aside any dreams of a happy ever after. I am focusing on family and keeping myself sane.
I want so much for him to put his worry of my future to rest. I know that he dreamed of me being settled and content in my old age. I am neither and I know it is something that would settle him a little at least. Knowing that I have someone to turn to, to comfort me after he is gone would be a relief for him. He was so relieved when hollow asked him if we could get married, it was a load off his worries and let him focus on taking care of his cancer. That went to shit, and now that Dad's cancer has returned with a vengeance, he is worried about how I will get along once he is gone. There is a part of my heart that longs for a romantic diversion. But it has to be perfect. My heart hurts for a baby. Not for me, but to carry on Dad's legacy. I fancy that a little piece of of my dad would live on in the face of my child.
Either way, starting any kind of relationship would be wrong. My mental need for affection could cause me to make a detrimental mistake in judgement. That is how I met my late husband. It was with in a year of burying my daughter. We laid her to rest on November 6, 1992 and I was married December 11, 1993. Then separated and on the way to divorce by October 1995 and a widow in December 1995. That mistake I will not make again.
I am an intelligent woman first and foremost, however, I can not keep myself from wanting, even against my better judgement.
