I want..

I am sure that somewhere in my past I have written about how I got here.
It is slightly blurred but the general story is clear enough to follow.

I have always been drawn to the power of a man.  Not boys. There is a difference between a Man and a boy.  Neither have anything to do with the actual age of the male of our species.  It is all in the way they carry themselves, how they react, how they approach life.  I dated men in power positions.  Military, police officers, firemen, bikers....  TESTASTRON junkies all of them.  They were not man enough.  Sad, I know.  I needed more.

One came close, very close to perfect.   He could have been the one, if he had been Dom enough to take control.  I was in my early 30's, he was almost 30.   He was the first and only man to ever demand that I lie still and allow him to pet me for hours.  I would flinch, arch, and shutter as his mouth, finger tips and nails left trails of heaven across my skin.  He would smile and growl at the result of his sweet torture.  He was an amazing lover.  He was just not enough, there was something missing. 

I had a boyfriend in my early 20's that came to visit.  He was sitting on the couch watching a movie with my parents.  I didn't want to freak my dad out by sitting next to him, but I so wanted to be closer: feel his heat, smell his scent, hear his breathing, so I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around his legs.  I fell asleep with his fingers in my hair and my fingers tangled in the cuff of his jeans.  The most comfortable place I have every been.

It was not until later in life, after multiple relationship fails, that I discovered BDSM.   It is not what people think.  It is not the Hollywood image that most project.   I have only met a hand full off Dom's that were "beautiful" in that perfect model way.  What most people will never understand is that the beauty is found within a person.  It shines when the right Dom finds the right sub.  The beauty lies in the trust and love between the two.

The last relationship I was in was a mistake.  A big one.  It was all one sided.  I went for 3 years with out an orgasm.  Sex was an obligation.  Life was an obligation.  We would go to the store, he would grab what he wanted and never asking me if I wanted/needed anything.  I bought the groceries daily, cooked daily.  Did the laundry daily.  All with the expectation of a think you or reward.  I did it because I  wanted to please him.  It was not until the end that I realized the imbalance of give and take.  It was a harsh lesson to learn.  I learned that he was missing what the other two had in spades.  They loved me, both of them still do.  He had the potential to be a Dom but ended up a domineering jerk.  He was missing the love.

I look back and know that there has always been a part of me that was different.  I preferred to dress up as a hooker while other little girls were dressing up as princesses.  In my early teens,  I liked to watch porn and read Playboy and Hustler.  I don't think that my environment had all that much to do with my unconventional proclivities either.  

I still like porn, and erotica.  I still prefer to sit at my boyfriends feet.  I still love to have my skin stroked until I am exhausted with pleasure.  I still like a man to take charge during sex. I still like to dress up like a whore on occasion, but most of all....

I still want a man.