Dreamer

Dreams:
I want that man that I find in all those screw novels I read.  I want a man that can walk that fine line between Dom and lover.  A man that wants to make love to me, but also knows when I need to be dominated, or just fucked up against the wall.  I want that feeling back, you know the one, that lust so intense that just hearing his voice makes you cream your panties.  I want a man that looks at me with that look, and passion consumes my every need.  I want that man that fits me so perfectly, that after one night of passionate love, I am addicted and can not let him go or get him out of my system. I want that man that knows my needs inside and out and just out of luck, they are in line with what he wants and needs too.   I want that addiction, that need, that desire, that fulfillment.

Guess I am a dreamer.

Making Love

Love:
I have literally had only one man ever successfully make love to me.  Sad I know.  Hollow tired, once.  In my heart I knew he had tried, but it was very awkward and fell short of perfect.  Although I know he did it to try and fulfill a need I had voiced, but by the time he was done, it was once again all about him, and neither of us was comfortable.  Sad, I know.   He never ventured down that road again.  John on the other hand, and yes his name was John, really loved me.  He is the only man that has ever been able to get me to orgasm with out manual clit stimulation.  Sad I know.  I have only had about 4 non-manual orgasms.  Maybe I need to send John a thank you card.  Sad I know. 

Stories

Stories:
I read these books, BDSM romance books.  NO NOT THAT 50 SHADES SHIT....
The girls in these books are always having orgasms.   I sometimes wonder if there are women out there that actually get that.  Or if it is in fact just a unicorn.  You know, something that is made up, but since no one tells the truth, every woman thinks there is something wrong with them if they can't or don't have 10 orgasms while having sex, so they lie and end up have amazing mind blowing orgasms while having sex.   Men brag about how much sex they have, women brag about how many orgasms they were given......

He has been almost silent for the past 2 years.   Hardly a word or post accept when one of our leading community members passed suddenly.  Then out of the blue he reminds me of his true character.  He proclaimes himself to be an ass and insults me on a post thread that went KP. 

I had just began to let my guard down and was starting to feel sorry for him.  I had been silent and had worked very hard to not degrade  his charactor.  Most of my journal entries focused on what I did wrong in our relationship out of a missguided respect for him.   Never again.   

That whole concept of out of sight, out of mind was working for me.   However, he is no longer out of sight or out of mind and I am a little pissed.   I promised myself that I would not allow myself to feel anything over this man ever again.  Now here I am angry enough to do something stupid.  UGHhhhh...   

I didn't realize his silence had been such a blessing.  

Better judgement -vs- emotions

   My dad is not doing well.  Been spending as much time with him as possible.  Trying to keep him busy and not focused on the fact that he will be leaving this world.  He is healthy and energetic but has this half full kind of pessimistic attitude.  Doc gave him 2 yrs tops to live his life to the best he can, but he acts as if he only has 2 weeks.  It will be a full time job keeping him "living" instead of "dying" before he is called home to his Lord.  Then there is the reality of how I am handling it when not at home.  I cry and sleep, then cry some more.  The reality of loosing my dad is taking it's tole on me.  I am strong in front of him, but a puddle of tears when not.   Therefore, I have set aside any dreams of a happy ever after.  I am focusing on family and keeping myself sane.

    I want so much for him to put his worry of my future to rest.  I know that he dreamed of me being settled and content in my old age.  I am neither and I know it is something that would settle him a little at least.  Knowing that I have someone to turn to, to comfort me after he is gone would be a relief for him.  He was so relieved when hollow asked him if we could get married, it was a load off his worries and let him focus on taking care of his cancer.  That went to shit, and now that Dad's cancer has returned with a vengeance, he is worried about how I will get along once he is gone. There is a part of my heart that longs for a romantic diversion.  But it has to be perfect.  My heart hurts for a baby.  Not for me, but to carry on Dad's legacy.  I fancy that a little piece of of my dad would live on in the face of my child.

   Either way,  starting any kind of relationship would be wrong.  My mental need for affection could cause me to make a detrimental mistake in judgement.  That is how I met my late husband.  It was with in a year of burying my daughter.  We laid her to rest on November 6, 1992 and I was married December 11, 1993.  Then separated and on the way to divorce by October 1995 and a widow in December 1995.  That mistake I will not make again.

 I am an intelligent woman first and foremost, however, I can not keep myself from wanting, even against my better judgement.

BDSM Test

Not sure how accurate this is but...

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
85% Submissive
74% Bondage Receiver
63% Girl/Boy
58% Voyeur
55% Experimentalist
46% Brat
46% Non-monogamist
41% Exhibitionist
41% Slave
38% Masochist
33% Primal (Predator)
25% Switch
21% Bondage Giver
20% Primal (Prey)
16% Daddy/Mommy
15% All-Rounder
13% Pervert
11% Brat Tamer
9% Dominant
4% Master/Mistress
0% Degradation Giver
0% Degradation Receiver
0% Sadist
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=212677

A Memory

I do not know what triggered the memory, but it resurfaced none-the-less thanks to FL.  I have avoided writing any posts that are this personal, but this memory has been eating at me for almost a week.  The urge to write it down has been eating at me as well.  So here it is.  The intent is not to shame or blame anyone.  We all know that there are two sides to every story, as well as understanding the dynamic between a Dom and sub can range from intense to gentile.  This is just a moment, a vignette if you will, in a past power exchange relationship.


We all know what a hard limit list is.  We also know that if you are in a relationship with a dominant there is a chance that the list will be challenged.  Any Dominant worth his/her snuff knows when to push that boundary and when to leave well enough alone.  This is one of those moments at which my x lost a little of his status and began the downward descent From Dom to domineering ass...by not honoring my hard limit list.

Although face slapping is desired by many, it is not something I tolerate.  I am into pain, but not into pain mixed with sex.  I tolerated the biting and flogging during sex with hollow only because I wanted to please him.  It is not something I will ever do again.  Play is play, sex is sex  and never the two shall meet as far as I am concerned. 

This particular night hollow decided that he wanted to use what was at the time "his pussy"  yeah me....  I was good to go.  Then for some reason,  while in coitus, his hand makes intentional contact with my face making a loud pop sound in my ears.  Instant heat erupted across my left cheek.  Face slapping is on my "oh fuck no your don't" list.  My face is beyond off limits because of what I do for a living.  Not because I have to be beautiful for my coworkers or the camera, but because, like many, the truth of how I got the black eye will get me fired.   Accidents happen, black eyes happen, busted lips happen....when face slapping happens.   FAR FROM OKAY!

He knew this but he did it any way.
I began to cry instantly, "his pussy" dried up instantly.  Through my tears I hear him say "ASK me to hit you again?"
What the fuck!
I couldn't do it.  I began to cry harder.  "Ask me to do it again" he demanded, irritation in his voice.
"I can't"  I choked out.  I just couldn't do it. 
"Yes you can, I have already done it, you can take it again." this time expectation and excitement had the words dripping like honey from his lips.
I turned away from him and covered my face, gut-wrenching tears sliding across my cheeks.
He rolled off the bed.

A few nights later he punished me with anal sex.
The whole time asking me things like: " Who do you belong to?  Who owns you?  Who makes the decisions?"
Like a dutiful submissive I answered each question with "You sir" while silent tears slid down my cheeks and the memory of my brother molesting me paraded through my head.


I answered him with what he wanted to hear out of quilt.  I answered him only to please him.  A small part of me appeased  him just so he would be satisfied and stop. That moment nearly obliterated any trust I had in the man that was once my dom.  It is a mistake I will never make again.

I will always wonder if this moment was the beginning of the end for us.

We both made mistakes.  He made the mistake when he pushed to far.  I made a mistake in trusting him to begin with.

  

2014

     I can not complain about 2014.  It had it's ups and downs.  It's highlights, and low-lights.   I met some amazing people, got a wonderful job doing what I love, and grew closer to my family and friends.   The positives outweigh the negatives.  However, I do so hope that 2015 sees me more settled and sure in my life.     

     As for ringing in this new year,  I almost didn't.  I had made plans to try and make it to Dallas and see my soul sister, but family issues being what they are, I had decided to stay home.  My parents had a different thought process and wanted me to go to Houston.   Primarily, they wanted me to spy on my aunt. She had been harping me about coming to see her as well.  My parents also thought it would be good for me to see my besties.  Mom and Dad worry about my bouts of melancholy and encouraged me to go to our traditional NYE party.   I went with the expectation of just being gone for the night and coming home in the morning.

     As always going to Houston is bitter sweet.  We drank cheep bubbly wine in the form of mimosas, took shots of whipped vodka and Grand Mariner, then at midnight toasted in the new year with pink champagne. Through my drunk mutterings I somehow managed to remember to keep it vanilla around all my besties children.  As much as I love my BFF's and needed some time with them, I know that I was missing something vital to my sanity.    Knowing I was just a few minutes away from the EROS NYE get together ate a whole in my heart and left a growing void.

      My besties know about my life.  Nothing is a secret between us.  Grin.  They are an awesome group of people and love me with or without bruises.  I try to keep references to my non-vanilla life to a minimum because it is not their thing.  (I hate when people force/dominate conversations about their hobbies or interests.) Besides, no mater how much I talk about it they can not fill that void.  They can not truly understand the need and hunger I have.   So I take advantage of my vanilla time with my vanilla friends and have vanilla conversations to the best of my ability.  

      I ended up staying another night to take care of my aunt and make sure she started off the year with a full freezer.  As I sat on her couch chatting with her,  my sober mind wandered to another place and time.  A time before I met hollow and other one.  A time when I called my aunt's house home.  A time when I was new to the idea of BDSM and my daydreams were full of wonder, trepidation, and expectation.  A time when kink could still shock and amaze me.
    I had a hard time falling asleep that night and it had nothing to do with the uncomfortable mattress.  I miss the community.  I miss having people around that know where I am coming from.  I miss not having to monitor my conversations.  I miss having boundaries and formality along with the events and meet-ups.  I miss having a Dom I can turn to when I am uneasy or intimidated. 

 I miss my other life.