Houston

Monday I headed South to so see my BFF.  This was my first trip to Houston after the breakup.  I don't think I have ever had such a heavy feeling of nostalgia, at least that is what I think I was feeling.  I wanted to drive through town to all my old haunts.  I longed for an EROS or H-NLA meeting, but Saturday and Sunday were already gone,  I thought about heading to the little bar downtown where they had the meetings just to have a beer, but no one I knew would have been there.  I thought about going to the Eagle, but again, no one would have been there.  I went shopping instead.  Bought a killer pair of leather boots and a fake fur coat.  Nothing like leather and furies to make a girl feel better.  I found my self doing a lot of reminiscing.  Thankfully, Houston holds mostly good memories so the time there was more bitter/sweet than painful.  I longed for what I once enjoyed, the friendship and camaraderie of the acquaintances I once had.  I am not sure that I would be warmly welcomed any more.  Thanks to hollow burning bridges and the poisonous things that other one said of me.  I mourned for the loss and suffered a tight chest coming and going through Houston.   It was hollow's choice to keep our mouths shut and not defend what other one was saying,  part of me wishes I had, another part of me resents my pride that supported his decree, and another part of me knows the decision was the right one.  But in the end, it was my social standing that was ruined.  Me being labeled an interloper and home wrecker........  Truth is, other one and I were both played.   

In my mind I can imagine the sly conversations in which he subtly brought up the idea of bringing in a new member to their Leather Family, or starting a Leather Family.  Patiently waiting for other one to ask for a girl.  And the silent thrill of  triumph that hummed through his veins when she asked him if they could start looking for a girl to join their family.  He confessed once that he "managed opportunities" for her and I to spend more time together.  He also mentioned after she left, for the 3rd time, that he had been planing on releasing her before he met me and he was not going to take her back again.  I have to wonder about the conversations I had missed out on and what had been said about me considering the not so pleasing things he has said about her.  He had mentioned looking for a new member to join our family not long before he asked me to move out.  I told him I was not ready and if we ever did, I wanted a boy.  I often wish that I could just ask her, but that is not an option.  She has moved on, is in a wonderful place, and I like that she is happy. 

He also played a game in which he basically told me that I was a slave, and that he wanted me to accept it.  Once I had decided his definition of  "slave" was the correct one, to come and "talk to him about it."  Almost an unvoiced threat that he would not consider a new contract otherwise.  I never did have that "talk" and look where it got me.  I know that not long before he let other one leave, and he did let her leave, she had publicly claimed the title slave,  I have to wonder if he had played the same kind of game with her.  Subtly calling or suggesting she take the title.  So many questions, so few answers.   Words left unsaid.  Words that may very well never be said.

The community here is too small to be safe.  I keep my distance and only have a few locals saved as friends on FL.  They really do not have parties or munches.  I worry about setting up "dates" and  getting hurt in a not fun way.  However, that might be my only choice.   Wish me luck.......

I am happy to be home, but miss my Houston life still, if not more today than I did last week.  Maybe next time I will manage to be in Houston on a Saturday and get to go to a play party or two.