Alpha Sub....

I was introduced to this article by an aquaintance in the community.   I found there to be a lot of familiar words and phrases from my journal posts.   It is just too uncanny.  It is worth the read if you think you are an alpha sub.


https://dominantsoul.wordpress.com/self-understanding/alpha-submissives/

Needing more

I have not slept well for a very long time.  I went to BV hoping to play, but that did not happen.   In October, I was given the opportunity to experience fire play.  And that was a rush.  Although I loved the play and the company (X and Slitty)  I didn't get into subspace.  Fire play is a different experience.  It is a lot of work.  The impact and mental stimulation is different than the average slap and tickle play.  I enjoy hard long play sessions that end in bruises and a drunken high from the endorphin rush.  Fire eventually burns out, and a lengthy scene is not possible even with multiple floggers.  The fiberglass tools combined with the fuel are quite heavy.  When a set of floggers go dry, the fire dies, new floggers are lit.  I think the repetition of heavy to light then again to heavy would be exhausting.  Not to mention the mental exhaustion involved with making sure that nothing tragic happens.  I do not envy the talented Master that welded those floggers.   Although the scene was too short for me to reach subspace,  it was a wonderful night.  I had a wonderful time.  I had some interesting marks the next day.  However, the intensity and depth was not enough to get me to that place where I am able to reset my soul and sleep.   I need more.

Idle

Life gets in the way.  I sometimes wish I had an idle life.  I always wish I had more time for a little R-and-R.   I always wish I had more time for Me.  But even more...I wish I had someone that made sure I took care of me.  Not that I am lonely.  I am not.  I have friends.  I have loved ones.  I have love. I have an amazing career with a team of amazing people.  What I do not have is that someone special that knows my soul.  That someone that can read me well enough and understands that I will always put myself last. Someone that understands I will neglect and ignore what I need and put aside my good judgement to take care of those around me. 

It has been hard.  Taking care of me.  I have no one to do those everything simple things for.  You know, washing dishes, cooking, sweeping, getting out of bed on the weekends....   Hell, last Sunday, I went to bed early the night before and finely got my ass out of bed around 6:20pm.  No intrinsic motivation, and since I am single, there was no external motivation either.  I literally did not eat all day.  I did nothing but read erotic love stories, pet Archie LuLu, and stare out the window at the Cardinals that take advantage of my hospitality at the always full bird feeder.   If Archie had not been begging and bugging me to feed him, I probably would not have gotten out of bed when I did.  

I am happily exhausted.  My job needs me.  My students need me.  My co-workers need me.  I get to work around 6:30am and pull back in my driveway around 8:30pm every night.  I an busy and keep busy.  I get home, take a shower, feed the cats and fish, take some benadryl, and then get to bed.  Only to start all over again the next day.  The weekend is a different story.  I loose purpose.  I am lost.  I don't care to take care of me.  There is no one around to do things for.  I  look for things to do.  I pace, edit photos, play games on my NOOK, but the one thing I do not do, is take care of me. 

Is it a common character trait of  submissive types to neglect themselves?  Do we need a Dominant or Master to have purpose?  A stronger personality to keep us organized and motivated? I am neglected.  I am missing that one element that keeps me focused.  Maybe one day, my world will slow down just enough that I will find what I need.

Snuckuponme...

I can't blame  any one  but me for this one...
Doing some house cleaning and came across  the jewlery  box I had placed all my "cuffs and collars" in.  It dawned on me that I had either made or bought the materials to make every single one of them.   What the fuck was I thinking.  He never even bought me a collar!  He just  recycled an old one of his for my first "training" collar, but it was too big and I ended up purchasing silver chain and findings  to recreate it in a more flattering length.  The rest I made or purchased through Things Remembered....I am such a gullible goof ball.  That alone should have been a sign that he really didn't value me.

There are a few missing, but these alone probably cost me about $ 300.00.  Not that the pricetag is relevant.  However, seeing me as a valuable possession that deserved something beautiful to represent the commitment we had made is a big issue.  I will try to find a picture of the one that I made of Swarovski crystals and the replica , as well as a picture of the only "collar" he ever gave me.