Idle

Life gets in the way.  I sometimes wish I had an idle life.  I always wish I had more time for a little R-and-R.   I always wish I had more time for Me.  But even more...I wish I had someone that made sure I took care of me.  Not that I am lonely.  I am not.  I have friends.  I have loved ones.  I have love. I have an amazing career with a team of amazing people.  What I do not have is that someone special that knows my soul.  That someone that can read me well enough and understands that I will always put myself last. Someone that understands I will neglect and ignore what I need and put aside my good judgement to take care of those around me. 

It has been hard.  Taking care of me.  I have no one to do those everything simple things for.  You know, washing dishes, cooking, sweeping, getting out of bed on the weekends....   Hell, last Sunday, I went to bed early the night before and finely got my ass out of bed around 6:20pm.  No intrinsic motivation, and since I am single, there was no external motivation either.  I literally did not eat all day.  I did nothing but read erotic love stories, pet Archie LuLu, and stare out the window at the Cardinals that take advantage of my hospitality at the always full bird feeder.   If Archie had not been begging and bugging me to feed him, I probably would not have gotten out of bed when I did.  

I am happily exhausted.  My job needs me.  My students need me.  My co-workers need me.  I get to work around 6:30am and pull back in my driveway around 8:30pm every night.  I an busy and keep busy.  I get home, take a shower, feed the cats and fish, take some benadryl, and then get to bed.  Only to start all over again the next day.  The weekend is a different story.  I loose purpose.  I am lost.  I don't care to take care of me.  There is no one around to do things for.  I  look for things to do.  I pace, edit photos, play games on my NOOK, but the one thing I do not do, is take care of me. 

Is it a common character trait of  submissive types to neglect themselves?  Do we need a Dominant or Master to have purpose?  A stronger personality to keep us organized and motivated? I am neglected.  I am missing that one element that keeps me focused.  Maybe one day, my world will slow down just enough that I will find what I need.