Lemmings and Lambs

I once wrote a post about blind faith.   I have always seen myself as being to independent to posses such a character trait.  I am however, dedicated to a fault.  I will take care of others to the point of neglecting me and the things that make me happy.   The rant about faith came after reading a post on a blog from an acquaintance on FL.   I will not go into detail, but after reading several of his posts, I was astounded that he had put himself as well as the others through such turmoil.  In essence he referred to his submissives as the slaves he knew they could become.  I would read his posts and my heart would heart hurt for all them.....IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU LOVE THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE, NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE THEM BECOME.  That is not love, that is a dream on the future.  I know in the end, that no one in that relationship left happy.  As an outsider looking in,  I felt sympathy for all involved.   I now feel empathy for all involved. 

 I was living under a delusion that it was me he loved.  When in fact it was the idea of being in love that he loved.  In the end,  we all crashed and burned.  After the other one left, the relationship changed.  We only played one time between the day she left and the day I finely walked out the door.   There was always an excuse not to play.  I knew they were excuses, but I ignored that small voice in my head.  I made agreements, hid my disappointment, and allowed the delusion to continue.

I miss the play.  Play, for me, is a therapy, not a turn-on.  Play was something that helped me sleep at night.  Not a precursor to rough sex.  Hell, I don't even like rough sex.  I want a man to worship me after he beats me with multiple torture devices.  I want a Dominant that thinks I am the most prized possession he could ever own.  I want a Dominant that plays hard, then does what ever it takes to protect me form all the bad.  I know what I want, so why on earth did I put up with something that was not what I wanted or needed?   I was such a lemming and lamb, that I followed without questioning myself, until I found myself in a place where following was causing psychological and emotional harm.  It was about that time, that I wrote the entry "Blind Faith".  I had lost all faith and trust in my owner, and was finely beginning to question my position in our relationship and his ability to be the man and dominant I needed to follow.

The more I ask myself the deep disturbing questions and play the "Why did I...?" game, the more and more I realize that both of us were living a dream and a desire, we never really loved each other, just the idea of each other.