The End

I think on many levels the relationship was doomed from the beginning.   How naive of me to think that my first D/s poly relationship would be a dream come true. Our relationship was based on a poly/play foundation.   Both fell to the wayside.   One of our poly walked away,  and shortly after,  so did the public play scenes and play altogether.  I missed "the other one",  I think we both did.  Truth be told,  I love public play.  Sex is not what I went into the lifestyle for.  We grasped at options, settled on a dream, got engaged and moved in together.  In all honesty, we took things too far and fell in love with the idea of the relationship, and not with each other.   I quit seeing hollow as being the man I fell in love with, and he quit seeing me as the woman he fell in love with.  Our dynamic evolved in the wrong direction.  When you quit being a unit,  and quit doing the things that were the foundation of that relationship,  there is a very good chance that it is going to fall apart.  We fell apart so dramatically, that I no longer want to be in a D/s relationship as a submissive.  That volatile relationship has left a very unsavory concept and definition to that lifestyle.  I do not doubt that I am a submissive,  however,  it makes me wonder as to what really makes my perfect dominant.

I blame both of us and yet I blame no one. I am sure that if we both had possessed the desire to fix our problems, we could have.  At this point there is no reason to play the "What if or Could have" game.  It is over and no one managed to get ahead and win.  He has moved on, actually been seen by some of my friends at play parties, playing....  Something he has not done with me in over 2 yrs.   Evidence that he never really loved me, but the idea of me, from the beginning.  The lack of heartache I am feeling is just another piece of evidence that I did the same.

It is said that we learn more from our failures than from our achievements in life.   Well,  I guess you can say that I have learned a lot in the last 3.5 years.  Hopefully,  the lesson was bitter enough that I do not repeat it.