Up Side

My parents are worried.  Why? Because of the absence of sorrow, the absence of his name, the absence of concern.   I am indifferent.  I have no words of anger spilling from the recesses of my mind.  No moments of melancholy.   No dramatic scenes of sadness with tears trickling from my eyes.  Just a determination to get past that relationship and put my life on track.   I got a job in my career field and and love the people that I am working with.  Reconnected with most of my vanilla friends.  Talk to my BFF almost daily, and plan on heading her way in a week or so.  If  I plan it right, will get to go to an EROS meeting while there.  Life is looking up, slowly, but looking up all the same.

I look back on the last 1.5 years and have to shake my head and wonder what the hell was I thinking.  Why did I put up with all of it?  There was no love there.  Just wasted years and lots of frustration.  he destroyed the trust, faith, friendship, compassion, and love that I had for him.   Not me,  I didn't consciously wrap it up in a freezer bag and throw it away.  I fought to keep it for years.  Saying my vows every night, kissing him good by and hello every day.  Asking to help or do things for him.  Hoping every day that he would show some sign of wanting to be my Dominant again.  Crying in bed late at night, when he told me not to worry about saying my vows.  I have no more tears.  I am no longer confused or frustrated.  I am no longer walking on egg shells worried that I will do or say something that would piss him off.   All of that negative fodder is gone.  Left behind is a freedom.  A conscious desire to do things for myself that are not an alternative but a priority.  

Now, I am trying to make up for those years of  dedication I wasted on him.  Reconnecting with people he didn't want me to have contact with is one of my desires.  Getting my feet under me after being left destitute is my priority.   Moving on from that relationship is my objective.  I know that if I go to a meeting, there will be questions.  Questions with expectations of answers accompanied with tears and anger, but there is not any.  He smothered any love I had for him.   I wish him all the best, but I do not care how he is doing, what he is doing, who he is doing, or where he is doing it.  I am indifferent.  It is a strange place for me.  It is in my nature as a submissive to worry and care for the people in my life.  I just can not muster up any emotions concerning him.  

My parents are worried, but right now,  I am fine.